Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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