my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
