I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
