My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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