Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
