there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
