Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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