I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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