Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
