You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just invented taco cereal.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
