I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
