i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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