I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I love having hate sex.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
