Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
