So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
