remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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