First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
