how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
