you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
