So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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