I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
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