Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
