I faked an abortion last night.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
