On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
