you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
