You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
