After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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