i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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