dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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