Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
