i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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