Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
