So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
accomplished twins. life is a go
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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