I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
