I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
