in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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