Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize