Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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