Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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