he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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