Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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