Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
