cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
