I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I want her autograph on my taint
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
