Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
It's never too late to be topless.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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