Betty ford says i'm here all night
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
