I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
