I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
