I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
