I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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