Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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