why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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