I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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