Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
it's like iHOP with fire
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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