I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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