I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Drake has all the answers
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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