my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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