Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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