we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
